Over the past 23 years, I’ve been roaming this Earth without any prospects of a significant other.
It doesn’t bother me because I hate cars, Star Wars, and World of Warcraft.
My hands get clammy whenever someone feels the need to latch onto them, and I think introducing my parents to anyone is worse than Hiroshima and the Titanic combined.
My mom recommended taking anxiety pills.
I recommended celibacy.
I haven’t always been single. I can keep boys around-for about a week. Then I start talking and they stop calling.
I give them a head start when I casually bring up the time I found a dead moose dripping blood in my dad’s garage.
Suddenly my hands were free yet again.
But there are certain things in my life that are consistent and don’t require clammy hands-or a 1960 Honda Civic (whatever that is).
Whenever a boy likes to take an ax and chop my heart in two, I always have friends who keep an extra martini glass and chainsaw on hand.
As girls, I don’t think we give our friends enough credit. I know I didn’t.
They put up with a lot.
They put up with the: “I know his favorite type of vegetable, and can’t stop talking about the fact he spends Saturday afternoons helping his grandmother shovel snow” stage.
They put up with the: “He likes me, no he doesn’t like me, no he likes me, no he doesn’t like me…” stage.
They put up with the: “OMG WE’RE DATING!!! WE WANT THREE BOYS AND A CAT” stage.
They put up with the: “Sorry I can’t hang out for the next eight months because I’m busy learning about car parts and football” stage.
They put up with the: “He dumped me. I’m going for a swim- in my own tears” stage.
I get it, it’s nice when someone who isn’t your mother tells you you’re pretty.
It’s nice when you wake up to a series of text messages–that also, aren’t your mother.
And it’s nice when you don’t have to pay for a cab ride home or a hockey game you had no interest attending in the first place.
But I’ve come to realize there are certain things a boyfriend can’t do.
- A boyfriend WILL NOT count calories when you share half a chocolate chip cookie.
- A boyfriend WILL NOT ever understand the meaning behind: “No I’m fine, really.”
- A boyfriend WILL NOT ever understand the meaning behind: “No I don’t want that extra bag of Doritos and chocolate fudge brownie. No I’m fine, really.”
- A boyfriend WILL NOT sit in his pajamas and eat a tub of cookie dough ice cream for a daylong Nicholas Sparks marathon.
- A boyfriend WILL NOT have extra Midol when you have a “tummy ache”
- A boyfriend WILL NOT share his wardrobe when you have nothing to wear for school. Sweatpants and hoodies don’t count.
- A boyfriend WILL NOT ever be willing to talk about your ex-boyfriends and how good looking they still are.
- A boyfriend WILL NOT willingly dance to Wannabe in a public setting.
- A boyfriend WILL NOT understand why you cry out of the blue and immediately want to talk ‘feelings’ over a cup of tea.
- A boyfriend WILL NOT ever understand how it feels when he breaks your heart.
I think testosterone is phenomenal.
Just remember ladies, keep your boyfriends close but keep your girls closer.
They’re the ones who wipe the snot from your face when you ugly cry.